SKIT 2 - MONK(EY) BUSINESS

Characters:
BaBa Waters - female; hostess of the news program
Commercial Voice - female; lively, animated
Dr. Luther - male; distinguished; dressed in black robe
Marty - male; young Luther dressed in casual clothes
Monk 1 - male; dressed in monk’s robe
Monk 2 - male; dressed in monk’s robe

Props Needed:
Card table, 2 chairs, 2 mics on left in front of altar for BaBa and Dr. Luther
Cardboard “doorway” on right side made from refrigerator box and labeled “door to monastery”; 2 floor mics
Marty needs a map, backpack, walkman type player with headphones, and a cell phone; wireless mic
Commercial Voice will speak from lectern; needs a container of “Wash Away Your Sins” hand cream

(as scene opens BaBa is seated at card table in front of altar)

BaBa: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! And welcome back to another edition of “6 Minutes or Thereabouts.” I’m BaBa Waters and we are thrilled once again this week to have as our special guest Dr. Martin Luther who will be joining us shortly here in the studio. But, first, here’s a word from our sponsor.

(while BaBa is talking, Commercial Voice moves to lectern)

Commercial Voice: Do you have dry, itchy skin? Do your hands chap easily and your fingers crack unbearably in this cold, winter weather? Does your loved one refuse to hold your hand from November to April because it’s as rough as a piece of 3M’s course, 60 grit sandpaper? Well, if that’s your problem, my friend, you need to start using this fantastic new lotion from the fine folks at Amazing Church Products - “Wash Away Your Sins” hand cream! (holds up the cream to show it) This wonderful cream is made with real vitamin E and other all natural ingredients and has been especially formulated to smooth the hands of all liars, cheaters and other wrong doers! Just squirt a glob on your hands and rub it in! This fine product is guaranteed, not only to make your sandpaper hands feel like a baby’s bottom, but also to wash away your sins at the same time! And what could be more useful than that? Just imagine! In the simple act of applying this cream only twice a day, you can repair your damaged hands, wash the sins out of your damaged life, and restore your damaged relationship with that loved one all at the same time! Available now in a tempting, do it again Easter lily scent and sold at the fragrance counters of fine stores everywhere including Shopko, Costco, Sam’s Club and Rick’s Appliance and Repair! Get yours today!

BaBa: Welcome back to our second show of this Lenten season. I’m thrilled that so many of you could join us again this week. As I told you at the beginning of our program, our special guest again tonight is Dr. Martin Luther. (Dr. Luther enters to applause and sits next to BaBa) Good evening, Dr. Luther. We are delighted to have you back with us again this week.

Dr. Luther: And it’s my pleasure to be here, I guess. You know, BaBa, there’s nothing like a couple of hours back in the world with all you people to make me appreciate the joys of Heaven.

BaBa: (hesitantly) Well, that’s awfully nice of you to say, I think. Now, last week you gave us some insight into your decision to leave behind your study of the law and enter a monastery in order to become trained as a monk. Tonight we’re wondering if you might give us some further insight into why you made that decision and tell us about your first day at the monastery and what that was like.

Dr. Luther: I’d be happy to, BaBa. I think I told you last week about my unfortunate encounter with that bolt of lightning and how that had gotten my attention. But, you know, the truth is that I had been thinking about making a change in careers for some time before that. And the idea of working for the church really appealed to me. I mean from what I saw as a young man growing up in Mansfeld, the pastor had it made. He only worked one day a week and even then was always home by noon. And the members of the church were always feeding him with wonderful potluck dinners after services on Sundays and soup suppers during Lent! Why, he hardly ever had to lift a finger to do anything for himself. The women of the church cleaned his house twice a week and did his laundry. The men mowed his lawn in the summer and shoveled his sidewalk and driveway in the winter. And the youth were forever washing his Silverado pickup so it was always nice and clean! Yes, I thought to myself, that’s the life for me!

BaBa: Now, surely, Dr. Luther, you’re joking with us here, aren’t you?

Dr. Luther: Well, yes, BaBa, I am.

BaBa: Well, then, let’s get back to the subject here, shall we, Dr. Luther? What was the real reason you entered the monastery?

Dr. Luther: BaBa, the real reason I went to the monastery was because of my sins. All my life I had been taught that God was an angry judge who was out to get sinners and make them spend eternity in a hell of fire and brimstone. I knew that I was a sinner and needed to have my sins washed away. And, in those days, we didn’t have any of that fancy “Wash Away Your Sins” hand cream like you have today. So, I went to St. Augustine’s monastery hoping to learn something about sin and about how I could make myself right with God. (staring off into space) I entered the monastery in July of 1505 and I remember that first day very well.

(Monks 1 and 2 take their places outside the monastery door; young Luther enters down the center aisle looking at a map in his hand)

Marty: Let’s see. That monastery has to be right around here somewhere. (spying the doorway and Monks) Oh, there it is! That kid at the Holiday station did know what he was talking about!

Monks 1 and 2: (singing) “Hey, hey, we’re the Monks. People say we’re monk-in’ around. But we’re just readin’ God’s Word, And God will never let us down.”

(Marty shakes hands with the 2 Monks)

Marty: Hello there, my brothers! My name is Martin Luther from Mansfeld. But you can call me Marty.

Monk 1: Hello, Marty. And what brings you all the way from Mansfeld on this hot day in July?

Marty: Well, boys, I heard you had a monastery here and since I wanted to learn something about sin I thought I’d come here and check it out. Besides I heard you had air conditioning, too.

Monk 2: Yes, Marty, a lot of folks think we have a pretty “cool” monastery here.

Monk 1: Oh, don’t start in with the puns now. You’ll scare him off on his first day. Now, you were saying, Marty.....

Marty: Ah, yes, I was saying that all my life I’ve been taught that God was a mean, angry, ogre of a God who greatly enjoyed watching sinners squirm. And since I know that I’m a sinner and am getting more sinful by the day I thought I would come here and see what I could learn.

Monk 1: Well, you have certainly come to the right place Marty. We know everything there is to know about sin and we also know that by living a proper life devoted to poverty, celibacy and obedience we can overcome our sin and make ourselves right with God. And you can, too!

Marty: Poverty? Celibacy? And obedience? What is that all about?

Monk 1: Why, those are the 3 cornerstones of the monk’s life, Marty. You’ll come to think of them as second nature and your best friends in your effort to make yourself worthy of God.

Marty: Well, that’s certainly why I’m here. All I want is to be good enough for God to love me and take me into Heaven when I die. So, where do we start?

Monk 2: You start, Brother Martin, by leaving all your worldly possessions behind. (moves to Marty and removes his backpack)

Monk 1: And you won’t be needing any of these things here either. (moves to Marty and takes the walkman and headset)

Monk 2: And what do you call this, Brother Martin?

Marty: Oh, that’s my new cell phone! My Mom gave it to me just before I left home so I could call her every night and let her know I’m all right. She’s such a worry wart, you know. But it has this really neat feature where I can program in all my girl friend’s telephone numbers so I can speed dial them any time of day or night.

Monk 2: Well, you won’t be needing that here either. You won’t be allowed to have any contact with your family or anyone else on the outside of these walls for six months while you start your training so your mother will just have to worry, warts and all.

Marty: Did you say six months? What are we going to do all that time?

Monk 1: Oh, there’ll be plenty for you to do. You’ll be spending many, many hours in the chapel praying and in the library studying. And you’ll be assigned a share of the chores around the place, cooking and cleaning and gardening and things like that. There will be plenty to keep you busy.

Marty: (with enthusiasm) Ok! I’m ready to get started! I’m anxious to get this monkey of sin off my back! Hey, I made a joke! Did you get it? I want to get this monk....ey off my back! (laughing) Did you get it, huh? Did you get it?

Monk 2: Oh, you’re going to fit right in!

Monk 1: (exasperated) Yes, we got it, Mr. Luther, we got it. Like you’re the first one to ever come up with that. Let’s go now. You can get started by washing my Silverado pickup.

(scene moves back to BaBa Waters and Dr. Luther - Monks and Marty disappear behind the monastery door)

Dr. Luther: Yes, BaBa, my first day at St. Augustine’s was quite memorable. And, you know, I really worked hard at everything there was to do there, too. I prayed harder than anyone. I studied longer than anyone. And I confessed more sins than all the other freshmen combined. But I never felt as though I had done enough to make myself right with God.

BaBa: That must have been very disturbing, Dr. Luther.

Dr. Luther: Disturbing? That’s putting it mildly, BaBa. I was at the end of my rope more than once over this sin business. And it wasn’t until years later, around 1514, I think, when I was a priest and a professor at Wittenberg University that I finally saw the light.

BaBa: Tell us about that.

Dr. Luther: Well, I was all alone one day in the Black Tower at the University. I liked to go up there to read and think because up there I could get away from the cheerleaders and the dance line practicing on the main floor. Anyway, I was up there all by myself one day reading the Bible when I came across these words in Romans that Paul quotes from Habbakuk 2, verse 4: “The righteous shall live by faith.” (getting very excited) “The righteous shall live by faith!” Do you get it? By faith! In other words, it didn’t depend on what I did or didn’t do! It all depended on faith! Just by putting my faith in Jesus and believing that what he did on the cross he did for me, I would be in a right relationship with God! Faith! That’s all that mattered! Faith! I didn’t have to pray until my knees fell off or study until my eyes fell out! I didn’t even have to wash the pastor’s pickup! All I had to do was put my faith in what Jesus had done for me and my sins would be forgiven and I would be in a right relationship with God! (pauses) It was all so very simple in the end. I look back on it now and wonder how in the world I could have missed it all those years.

BaBa: Well, we have certainly learned something important from you tonight, Dr. Luther. “The righteous shall live by faith.” My goodness. It really does sound simple, doesn’t it? (turning to the audience) And that’s our program for tonight folks. We hope you’ll join us again next Wednesday for another edition of “6 Minutes or Thereabouts” when Dr. Luther will indulge us with stories about indulgences! You won’t want to miss it! In the meantime, I’m BaBa Waters saying, “Good night and God bless!”